Valuing real listening

In my work in the field of story, narrative, strategy and systemic change, there’s a topic that I don’t think gets nearly the amount of attention it deserves:  listening. 

Stories are inherently social. We construct them and convey them in a social process that involves telling and listening, in constant flow and exchange. Yet we tend to focus overwhelmingly on the telling, and not the listening part. This is even more so when the intention is to use stories instrumentally, to change others’ minds or influence their behaviour. When the idea of listening comes up in this context, it’s either about how to get audiences to listen to us, or it’s treated like research - such as ‘social listening’ which is used to track and analyze conversations on social media. 

Surely though, if we want to live in a democracy, we need to prioritize listening, and value it as much as speaking. If we want to change others, we also need to at least be open to the possibility of being changed by our interactions with them. Perhaps this is also a key element that separates ethical persuasive communication from manipulative propaganda - that we should open ourselves to being persuaded, as well as seeking to persuade. 

I’m not talking about listening as a panacea - the idea that if only we could just listen to one another we’d find common ground and figure out how to get along. Too often this idea is used to demand that oppressed people sit down and listen to their oppressors, rather than fight for justice. And what happens if we really and genuinely listen to another, only to realize we fundamentally disagree and dislike one another? Where do we go from there? 

How do we take account of and deal with power imbalances and manipulation in listening - which can work in many ways? The usual assumption is that it’s the powerful who speak, and demand that others listen to them, while we often think of the least powerful as being silenced - not being listened to. That is often true. But increasingly these days it seems that it is the powerful who listen, and use that to gain even more power and manipulate the rest of us - listening as surveillance. Or listening as exploitation - using others’ stories and trauma as fodder for our own entertainment or to make us feel better about ourselves. Listening as diversion and avoidance – a focus on closeness and empathy that takes the place of genuinely shifting power and improving the material conditions of people’s lives. 

We need more real listening, but real listening is hard and challenging because it demands rigorous honesty and accountability - to ourselves and others. Real listening means walking the line between being real about our boundaries (there are likely ideas and people we are just not prepared to listen to for very good reasons) while keeping the space between those boundaries as large as possible, so that we are genuinely open to challenge, change, surprise and growth. Real listening may well lead us through increased conflict and discomfort before we get to any kind of resolution - if we ever do.

And listening, like storytelling, is social. That means we can’t just think about listening as an individual responsibility or competence. How do we set up our systems and organizations so that they encourage, value and integrate listening? How can we find ways to value and appreciate listeners as much as we currently value and reward talkers? How do we create systems and organizations and strategies and plans that try to be in connection and relationship with others and with the world - open to being influenced and changed as well as seeking to influence and change. How would that change what we do and how we do it?